Identity Crisis
by Maximumus
Summary: Cilan's days with Ash and Iris have been some of the happiest in his life. But they don't know his terrible secret... his double life working with his brothers for Team Plasma as the Shadow Triad.


So here I am.

Well, crap. I always knew this whole double-life thing would get me in trouble one day.

"Wh-where's Cilan?" demanded Ash, stuttering a little.

"What's are you talking about, Ghetsis?" cried Iris in that high, childish voice of hers, stomping her foot and waving her fists.

On one side of the room were Ash and Iris, staring at me in surprise and confusion. And on the other side, my brothers, and my masters. I was in the middle. That was me, of course, always the calm, the balance between water and fire. In this getup, I knew Ash and Iris didn't recognize me. That was good, because I'd be ashamed if they knew my identity.

I guess I should explain all of what's going on here. Hold on. It's going to get complicated.

It's all because of Ghetsis we're alive, me and my two brothers Chili and Cress. We'd always had affection for the elemental monkeys, Pansage, Pansear, and Panpour. The problem was, we were just bad Pokémon Trainers. This was my third Pansage, Chili's second Pansear, and Cress's _fourth_ Panpour. The other ones died in battles.

So one day we were training in our house. Chili had just lost his Pansear and was beginning to train a new one, but this one was finicky. It set the whole house on fire. We ended up trapped in an upstairs room, unable to reach the window because of burning debris. Mom and Dad… they didn't make it. It was a misty day, and nobody even saw the smoke. I was crying, shielding my head with my hands and on my knees. We were going to burn to death. Nobody would know or even care.

That's when _he_ came. Master Ghetsis. We'd met him earlier, but thought he was crazy. Talking about liberating Pokémon and all, how it was best to separate humans from Pokémon for their own good.

I don't know how he got in our house, but suddenly he was there, thunderous and magnificent, standing in the doorway of that room we were trapped in.

"This is why I am working for Pokémon liberation," he said. "Not only are humans a danger to Pokémon, but _Pokémon_ are a danger to _humans._ For everybody, it's best if we all part ways." He extended a hand. Chili ran to him first, clinging to his leg. Next, I accepted him, and lastly, Cress.

He hadn't saved us for just anything, of course. He knew he could get our help with the Team Plasma stuff. Since this dude Ghetsis was the only reason we weren't presently dead, we accepted.

Master Ghetsis didn't need our assistance at that point. But we promised him one thing. A favor. Anything to repay him. And we also gave him our Pokémon. We could see now that Pokémon liberation was the only way.

About three years back, we got a letter. It was from Ghetsis, saying that he was ready to claim his favor and that we were to meet him in the Dream Yard.

So we did, and he proposed a plan. We would become Gym Leaders- by dubious means, of course- and infiltrate the League. We could help Team Plasma to liberate more Pokémon than ever before- _and_ we could own a café! The plan sounded perfect!

"But," Ghetsis said, handing us all Bags filled with heavy stuff. "This plan is twofold. You will also assist me as my Shadow Triad. Your outfits are in there. Your duties will include forceful Pokémon liberation for those who refuse to come peacefully, and assisting my Lord N. He is my son, and the one who can bring peace to the Unova Region. Here." He pulled out three Pokéballs from his cloak. "Here are your Pansage, Pansear, and Panpour back. I have trained them up for you, so they are much stronger, and won't be burning down any buildings." Then he gave a mirthless chuckle and disappeared into the trees. A few moments later a helicopter rose up in the distance, and he gave us a wave from the window.

We had just become the Shadow Triad.

Being a Gym Leader/café owner was really fun. We cut down challenger after challenger with our newly buffed up Pokémon, although I always had a nagging thought in the back of my mind- that it was cheating to be fighting with Pokémon we hadn't even trainec. I pushed it away. Ideals, Cilan; Ghetsis's ideals are the way.

I had a brilliant idea one day and became a Pokémon Connoisseur. Connoisseurs specialize in determining the compatibility between Pokémon and their Trainers. What a genius I was! By criticizing their relationships, I softened Trainers up for Ghetsis. Trainers who I had judged were 50% more liable to liberate their Pokémon once they heard a Team Plasma speech.

So anyway, this guy comes around called Ash, with an Oshawott, a Tepig, and a _Kanto_ Pokémon called Pikachu. Unusual for a challenger, he challenges all three of us with his team and wins the Badge, first go- using type disadvantages, no less!

Watching Ash battle… it was exhilarating. His excitement, his vim and vigor. Although I would never tell him it, I had never even heard of any bond as tight as the one with him and his Pikachu. In fact, Lord N must have noticed it too, because I got word that I had been selected from my brothers to travel with Ash and keep an eye on him. I was more than happy to do so. He intrigued me!

…Ash… He's my close friend, and Iris… She's maybe something more than even that. At night I would slip away from the Pokémon Center, don my disguise, that white wig and outfit I knew so well, and meet up with my brothers, becoming the Shadow Triad once more.

Well, me and my brothers were contacted whenever Lord N needed Ash; we'd suit up as the Shadow Triad and bring him on over. Then, Chili and Cress would go back to the café whenever there was another challenger to be defeated. It worked out well, and nobody figured it out. Lucky, huh?

…There's one major difference between Ash and Master Ghetsis… Ash lifts me up and makes me feel strong. Ash makes me forget my self-doubt, but whenever Master Ghetsis is around I just can't forget it.

Well, so here I am. You're up to speed. Here I am, having just brought Iris and Ash to Master Ghetsis and Lord N par request, but the thing is… Ash's Pikachu just defeated Ghetsis. And flustered as he was, Ghetsis called me Cilan. Which leaves me standing here, my real, dark, secret life on one side, and the pretend life I've created on the other.

"'Where's Cilan?'" Ghetsis mocked in Ash's voice. "How foolish you children are. I may be beaten, but my minions can still fight- and can you bring yourselves to battle your own friends? Go ahead, Shadow Triad! You know what to do!"

…I have a feeling that Ghetsis is at his breaking point. But slowly, I found myself taking a dragging step in Ash and Iris's direction. They flinched back, raising their arms protectively.

"Hey, Shadow Triad, stay back!" Ash yelled. "Pikachu can zap you!"

"…No, Ash, you don't understand," I said, the words coming out a little harsher than intended. "You never understood!" I reached up to my mask, which was connected to the white wig, and tore it off.

Ash and Iris gave simultaneous gasps in shock and horror. They may not understand me, but I understand them- understand how it must be to watch a hated, evil, twisted enemy rip off a mask, the face of that enemy suddenly becoming the face of a friend. Iris has two more sharp intakes of breath as both Chili and Cress drop their disguises behind me.

"C-Cilan- _you're_ the Shadow Triad?" Ash shouted, disbelief and pain in his voice.

"Yeah," I said tiredly, placing a hand on my forehead. I was too tired to even speak formally. "Yeah, Ash, I am. And I always was."

"Go ahead," said Lord N. "Take them down."

Pansage and I both looked at Ash and Iris, but we didn't move. We couldn't.

"Take them down!" N repeated, voice puzzled more than anything. "That's an order, Cilan!"

"I… I…" My voice broke, and so did I. I dropped to my knees again, hugging myself, just like that day in the fiery house. "_I can't,_" I whispered.

Ash and Iris… they were the enemy. They wanted to _stop_ Pokémon liberation.

"You're the enemy," I whispered, voice crackling like a staticky TV as a tear dripped down my face. Pansage caught it in a paw. "Th-the enemy!"

Ghetsis's face flickered with surprise and rage when he realized that he wasn't going to get revenge. He realized that I wasn't going to follow that order, that one order, and that he _had lost._ Cress and Chili were weaker than me. I was Ghetsis's last chance. And I was failing him.

"Come, N," he said roughly, turning his back on me. Chili and Cress followed suit. I had chosen my friends. There was nothing more they could do for me. "We're going." He glanced over his shoulder. "Cilan, don't look for us. We're not coming back."

And I asked him… well, I asked him why. "Master Ghetsis…"

I didn't get an answer, and my already broken self-esteem finally shattered that day.

_Who can I trust now? Now, when the world is twisted and upside down and back to front?_ I thought bitterly. _I'm like a double-edged sword. I'm two sided._

Very well over these last three years I've taught myself how to be somebody who I wasn't at first. Everybody sees the first layer of me, but I don't think even a psychic Pokémon could see inside of me. Nobody can. Not even me. Because if posed with the question, "Would you choose Ash or Ghetsis?" yesterday, I would have said Ghetsis. I don't even know myself. Better than a psychic Pokémon, a dark type might actually be able to figure me out. I am a twisted man.

They look at me during the day and see friendly, optimistic Connoisseur/chef/Pokémon Trainer Cilan, their close friend. They look at me during the night and see cold, merciless, unforgiving Team Plasma member, one of the shadowy, emotionless Shadow Triad, a hated enemy.

As a Shadow… I'm not 'I.' I'm 'we.' I am one of a group, no distinguishing features at all. No matter which me I am, Cilan or Shadow, I am always just a reflection in a mirror. And you know what happens when two mirrors face each other. In the reflection is only a never ending hall of mirrors going on and on. If I follow one, who will I find? Gym Leader Cilan? Or Shadow? And once I get to the end, will I be able to turn back if I don't know what's left?

"Who are you?" hissed Ash, drawing Iris close as if to shield her from me.

I lifted my head, stared at him. "You know me," I said.

"No, I don't! Apparently I don't! So enlighten me! Who really _is_ Cilan?"

"Cilan… 'Cilan' is just a mask…" My voice choked, my throat constricted. Ash… how could even my best friend be looking at me with those angry eyes? "I live him during the day… but no matter what I do, at night, he's always peeled away, leaving a different mask underneath. The Shadow Triad. But when dawn breaks and that's ripped away as well, I'm left with only this 'Cilan' again and I don't know what's up or down and who are friends or enemies."

"You're talking in circles, Cilan," Iris snapped, spitting the last word, my name, as if it was a curse. "Answer the question right, for Arceus's sake!"

I looked at them with tear-swimming eyes, looking for any sign of compassion and finding none. Then I clenched my fists and looked down, muttering, "I don't know."

"That's not an answer!" Ash yelled.

My head jerked up. I shouted, "I don't know! I don't know who I am anymore!"

"…Then I don't, either."

Then they left me there. Alone. Neither Master Ghetsis or Ash or Lord N or Iris or even my own brothers were by my side any longer. I was alone.


End file.
